Genevieve Feili... 的个人资料wandering in a vast lone...照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
everything and anything
I’m confused.
write in the dark孤獨和黑暗有著很神奇的力量 遠處微弱的光和耳邊的音樂 有甚麼在身邊默默地流動 在露臺燃燒一點又一點的寧靜 默默地冥想Tamina所追求的寧靜是甚麼樣的寧靜 感覺逐漸強烈 畫面慢慢浮現 思緒也漸漸清楚起來
只欠一點微弱的光 讓我把一些事記下來 HeavenFor we are pained by the thought of disappearing, unheard and unseen of whom we love, and because of that, we believe in heaven. NO apologies不要懷疑 我就是不想見人講話吃飯接電話出門 不要猜想 就是你 滾 開 SheBobsHerHair遇人不淑燙了一頭俗氣的捲髮，所以把蓄了很久的頭髮剪掉了，應該是近十年來最短的一次。 原本要剃光的，髮型師不忍心這麼做，給我剪了一個BOB齊耳短髮。 一直忘記頭髮變短，無意間看到自己總會嚇一跳，像遇見一個熟悉的陌生人一樣驚訝。
女生剪頭髮這件事看在外人眼裡，像男生蓄長髮一樣， 總以為背後有甚麼故事。失戀這個揣測是榜單第一名，非常沒勁。 女生剪Bob頭這個行為在20年代的美國被賦予一種特殊的社會意義。剪Bob頭在女性主義萌芽的20年代是新女性的其中一個象徵。相對傳統女性長髮飄飄的溫婉形象，短髮女性穿短裙抽菸開車喝酒化良家婦女唾棄的大濃妝，開口談性。 這種女生，人稱Flapper。 很多事一被套上了一個名字就難免被扭曲。Flapper這符號多少含著貶意，社會帶著有色眼鏡看著這些不甘被父權傳統束縛的女性。 雖然如此， 在年輕人而言剪Bob頭是很酷的行為。 Bernice常在眾人面前，大聲嚷嚷說要把頭髮給剪了。不是因為她覺得短髮好看，不是為了反抗也不是為了解放；純粹是表妹Marjorie的策略，這樣才會引起一眾男生的注意和興趣，藉著眾男生不停歇的邀舞獻殷勤抬高自己的身價與魅力。Marjorie的計謀果然成功了，原本無人問津的Bernice大受歡迎。Bernice終於享受到被人呵護寵愛和追求的快感，得意忘形之際被Marjorie擺了一道，當真剪了頭髮。也許她真的不適合短髮也許髮型這件事和食物一樣沒有客觀的美，不管怎麼樣，原本迷戀她的男生都對她冷淡起來，走人。 羞愧怨恨的Bernice決定在太太們為自己辦的餞行舞會以前離開，她沒有勇氣承受大人們責備唾棄的眼神，她已經無法回到過去忍受男生的怠慢奚落。 她帶著行李車票像在12點後落荒而逃的灰姑娘，帶著Marjorie金色的長髮 微笑 離開。 Fitzgerald's Jazz Age Stories 的短篇 - Bernice Bobs Her Hair。
後記 20年代的女士們大概想不到這種反叛的超短髮竟然變成一些保守而嚴厲的學校的標準髮型，念中文學校的女同學們誰沒剪過妹妹頭呢。 她 她她每天早上醒來 聽著她的呼吸 心裡決定今天也要愛她 這樣的決心令人動容 最初的感覺已不復再 卻還是一再做同樣的決定 還是同樣令人感動嗎?
她還沒來得及張開眼 她的氣息就充滿她身體 她不由自主就環抱著她 那種強烈的感覺 根本就沒有讓人拒絕的餘地 就那樣蠻橫的佔據她 像她對她那樣的理所當然 那樣的不客氣 問為甚麼太多餘 25你幾歲了? Albert Hue問我。 25了。 心裡在驚嘆，怎麼這個完全不諳中文的人去了新加坡一趟，竟然可以開口說中文了。 WTF! So young! What were you doing when you’re 25? I was shooting Love Conquers All, 翠梅說。Oh I was shooting Flower in the Pocket, 剛好也是25, Seng Tat說。 25，我回到來闊別4年的土地，開始第一份工作；和一群我喜歡的人，成就一些我喜歡的事情。 總有抱怨，但心懷感激。 也許我沒有更喜歡自己，也沒有比以前長進多少，只是更認識自己，更坦然而誠實的接受自己。 本來是應該在生日那天寫的，我總是慢半拍。不只半拍。 02自己的眉眼耳鼻嘴臉星座性格 她都不喜歡
她特別承受不了喜歡一個人的心情 因為那種總是期望對方會愛上自己的慾望是特別矛盾 特別磨人
昏睡前 她閉上眼 把唾棄的自己一點一點拿掉 一直到變成另外一個人
再開始編織她和他的故事 她總是在剛邂逅的時候就沉沉睡去
睡夢中 邂逅不斷的發生 她就是沒有辦法和他說上一句話 總是有數不盡的瑣事從中作梗
一直到鬧鐘 震碎這無始無終的循環 像招魂一樣把流散四處的自己召回來
那光闖進來 自以為人定會感激 愉悅 這種時候卻是她最痛恨自己 最絕望的時刻
現實像動手術後麻藥剛退的那一陣痛
01她總是不停地聽著音樂 隨著無關痛癢的流行樂飄盪
偶爾不經意跌入樂曲之間沉默的縫隙 她會忽然就被伺機待起的失落襲擊
她不喜歡靜默 特別在一個人的時候 因為心跳太大聲 呼吸太刺耳 這樣強烈的存在太難受
她不喜歡自己 坦白正視自己是難以承受的 Timothy’s BirthdayI have been reading Haruki Murakami’s Birthday Stories whenever I’m in the train. It’s an anthology of birthday stories selected and introduced by Murakami. I was reading William Trevor’s story today when I was on my way home. The story started with the preparation of a man’s birthday. … All were Timothy’s favourites, purchased every year for April 23rd, which this year was a Thursday… Wait a minute, today is April 23rd, THURSDAY! What a coincidence! Is it really a sheer coincidence? Is there any messages from someone? Would there be someone pop up from the lines and tell me it’s his birthday and we should get married as I happened to read that sentence, freeing him from a wicked spell bla bla bla… Would something so fateful resting on so fortuitous a coincidence? Little did I know about how to deal with something so …I can’t find the word for it! I decided to text my friends to share my excitement with them. Not anyone can understand and take it serious or I should say appropriate, so I browsed through my contact for quite a long while to choose the recipients whom I expected would appreciate it. Here it went:
To: kn, as, fj, sy, jj, ed Message: OMG what shd I do? I’m reading Haruki Murakami’s b’day stories, and it happened that the one I’m reading now it’s about a man who born on 23rd April, THURSDAY!
The following is what I got from my dear friends. sy: u r? kn: er…this day huh? cool! jj: r u talking to me? what is that?
Yes. It’s the 23rd of April, Thursday and I happened to read about a story which happened on 23rd of April, Thursday as well. Time is ticking, 23rd of April is leaving and nothing happened. It’s just like everyday else except I happened to read about a story which happened on 23rd of April, Thursday. And I’m going to finish the story before the 24th come. dream#1我要煮湯 一鍋水 煮了好久好久 洋蔥番茄都丟進去了 我像撐船一樣攪動那水 蘿蔔馬鈴薯都丟進去了 還是一鍋清水 那水把蔬菜都吃了 他快回來了 水說 我看了很久 這水 咕嚕咕嚕 冒著煙 還是水 他快回來了 水說 咕嚕咕嚕 他快回來了 水說 冒著煙的 還是水 他快回來了 水說 他一定會嘲諷我煮不成一鍋湯 他快回來了 水說 我不能再忍受他那諷刺的眼神 他快回來了 水說 不能再讓他說甚麼 不 能 他快回來了 那水說 這鍋湯不能失敗 我把左手丟進去 手在湯裡揮舞 漸漸的水有了顏色 好像快成湯了 他快回來了 水說 右手使勁攪動那水 不夠 水說 還是水 他要回來了 水說 這還不夠 肝也下去吧 還有那止不住的血 他快回來了 水又說 這混濁的水 咕嚕咕嚕 冒著煙 腎下去了 不夠 水說 胃下去了 肺葉也丟下去了 腸子也下去了 我已經沒有辦法攪動那水 還欠一點 水說道 左腳試著下去 不夠不夠 水說 你乾脆整個下來吧 終於 他回來了 耳朵說 那是他的腳步聲 我把頭靠在鍋邊 我要看著他 喝這口湯 眼睛說 每天总有一段时间 关上门 不开灯 让自己沉浸在黑暗中 音乐里 好像吸一大口气 潜入游泳池底一样 坐在黑暗中 渐渐失去语言 失去自己 Last WordsI should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
~~ Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957 Damn it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me.
To her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud. ~~ Joan Crawford, actress, d. May 10, 1977 I've had a hell of a lot of fun and I've enjoyed every minute of it.
~~ Errol Flynn, actor, d. October 14, 1959 I am about to take my last voyage, a great leap in the dark.
~~ Thomas Hobbes, writer, d. 1679 I see black light.
~~ Victor Hugo, writer, d. May 22, 1885 Beautiful.
In reply to her husband who had asked how she felt. ~~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning, writer, d. June 28, 1861 Do you hear the rain? Do you hear the rain?
Minutes before her plane crashed. ~~ Jessica Dubroff, seven-year-old pilot, d. 1996 Get my swan costume ready.
~~ Anna Pavlova, ballerina, d. 1931 Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
~~ Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary, d. 1923 Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
To his housekeeper, who urged him to tell her his last words so she could write them down for posterity. ~~ Karl Marx, revolutionary, d. 1883 Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
~~ Ludwig van Beethoven, composer, d. March 26, 1827 Suicide NotesWhen I am dead, and over me bright April Shakes out her rain drenched hair, Tho you should lean above me broken hearted, I shall not care. For I shall have peace. As leafey trees are peaceful When rain bends down the bough. And I shall be more silent and cold hearted Than you are now. Suicide note to her lover who left her. ~~ Sara Teasdale, poet, d. 1933 All fled--all done, so lift me on the pyre; The feast is over, and the lamps expire. ~~ Robert E. Howard, writer, d. June 11, 1936 And now, in keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the latest in blood and guts, in living color, you're about to see another first - an attempted suicide. Shot herself during broadcast. ~~ Chris Chubbuck, newscaster, d. July 15, 1974 Don't worry, it's not loaded. Suicide playing Russian roulette. ~~ Terry Kath, rock musician, d. January 23, 1978 They tried to get me - I got them first! Suicide by drinking Lysol. ~~ Vachel Lindsay, poet, d. December 4, 1931 "Football Season Is Over." No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax This won't hurt. Hunter left the note for his wife, Anita. He shot himself four days later at his home in Aspen, Colo., after weeks of pain from a host of physical problems that included a broken leg and a hip replacement. ~~ Hunter S. Thompson, author, d. 20 February, 2005 The writer's ashes were blown into the sky in Woody Creek, Colo., amid fireworks on Aug. 20. I don't believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time. ~~ Wendy O. Williams, punk rock performer, d. April 6, 1998 I feel certain that I'm going mad again. I feel we can't go thru another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices ~~ Virginia Woolf, author, d. March 28, 1941 Lets see if this will do it. Accidental suicide as he shot himself with a blank-loaded pistol on the set of TV spy show "Cover Up." The concussion forced a chunk of his skull into his brain; he died six days later. ~~ Jon Erik Hexum, actor, d. October 18, 1984 I am contemplating taking Lily's life She could not manage her soul
Sail for the sea!I’m going to recce in Kuantan for four days. There are beach and tides and waves and reverse mermaid. We’ll go sailing on a fishing boat.So I’m leaving this vacant land now. ciao睡燈亮著 Carla Bruni 還在高聲歌唱 裹著毛巾的頭髮還在滴水 我像是電動玩具一樣 不知道甚麼時候被甚麼人按了開關 咚一聲 失去意識 沉 沉 睡 去 |
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